Downsides

There are some things I love about medical school. These days, I talk about all of the things I dislike about medical school. There is so much to complain about: the busy work, the long hours, the anxiety, the feeling of perpetual incompetence. In truth, most of those negatives are just talking points, things we (medical students) use to keep the conversation going, things we use to mar the fantasies that others have about medical school. When one gets past the long hours and tedious studying, we are lucky to be learning such amazing things and privileged to get to enter into that sacred healer-patient relationship.

What is hard, what lacks any sort of consolation prize, are the relationships that are drastically altered. I knew before I started that there was sacrifice involved in this process. And I knew that I would change, my life would change. But I did not expect such an erosion of my friendships. Some of my conversations have become hollow and rushed, remnants of what once were full-bodied, lively relationships. Now exchanges are empty and the awkwardness is amplified by the echoes of experiences once shared. There was no natural end to the friendship, no easy fade-away. Instead, the separation was sudden, drastic. We were both pulled apart and thrown into our respective realities - neither party has had time to adjust to the changes, and we are left with a disconnect between the reality of our situation and the lingering memories of a friendship that once was. And this is pervasive - with my closest friends, my oldest friends, and my family. (Although an interesting side note is that some of my relationships (most familial) have improved since starting medical school, likely due to an increase in the level of respect afforded me - I can now be taken seriously, and, since communication was sparse B.M. (before medicine), the time constraint had no negative impact).

To clarify, I am not writing off my B.M friends, I know that my friendships will last this - the bonds are strong and those people I love are even stronger. Time and distance impact, but they do not destroy. But it is hard to watch this transformation without trying to control it. This will elicit groans, I am sure, but it is reminiscent of a doctor who has to accept that a patient will suffer before he or she will improve.

So this is one of those unexpected, slap-in-the face side effects of medical school. This is part of that change in identity that they talk about on the first day of medical school. It is hard to maintain connections with people you love while fostering new friendships in such an intense, demanding environment. And I know that these are choices I make, and I guess that’s what makes this so hard. Certainly the structure of medical school is not conducive to relationships, but I’m not a huge fan of using that as an excuse for choices I make. I used to think I was stronger than that. I guess that's why they teach us that song in preschool.

"Make new friends, but keep the old ones
One is silver and the other's gold."