28

I’ve been neglectful lately. Somewhat willfully, since I have been gifted late mornings and a job that I leave behind when I go home. But somehow I have not had the drive to write. And I have suffered for it, I think. Like exercise or yoga, reflection is one of those activities that makes us feel so good that they are the first thing to go when we get anxious or restless.

So I am nearing the end of my 2nd rotation. Family Medicine. Experiences continue to occur, although I feel less engaged by them this 6 weeks around. I’m not sure if it’s the place I’m learning or the field itself, but I certainly don’t feel the light me up sort of passion I felt during my OB/GYN rotation. That may not be a bad thing. In fact, if my goal is to wind up living a balanced life where medicine is a job rather than a lifestyle, family medicine is the simplest answer. For sure it is lackluster, but I like to think that it would inspire me to seek passion elsewhere. That said I have some concern that dullness is catching – leaving me with an overall subdued existence. The dying adolescent in me shudders at the thought of such complacency (the horror, oh the horror). Of course I also am worried that an uninspired medical career would swing the pendulum in some warped direction where I forget to fill my time with things like outdoors, music, food, art, politics, thought, people, etc, etc. Instead, in search of more intensity, I would resort to old habits of poking at my relationships till I create some purposeless drama and find myself in a familiar mess I had sworn off years ago. Luckily no decisions have to be made yet. This year is just for observation and information gathering.

In truth, the last 4 weeks have brought out strong examples of both responses. Instead of writing and reading and playing and exercising, I have slept and complained, and (oh the shame of admitting this) watched T.V. And when I wasn’t doing that, I was regressing to my late teens and foolishly getting caught up in ridiculous drama. I behaved poorly towards others and towards myself and almost cost myself a friendship or two (the outcome may still be uncertain). Suddenly old tapes were playing and I lost the clarifying breath of perspective; I became a person I like to think I no longer am, but obviously still have the capability of becoming. I suppose we are never rid of our lessons learned.

But on the eve of the start of my 28th year, I figure I get to clear a slate. Birthdays, like New Years, are good times to kick start the drive to grow and improve. Resolutions (that will always be broken, and set again) abound. As Emily would say, it’s probably a good time to build that bridge (yet again) and get over it (thanks lady).

Well, sentimentality is getting the best of me, but it’s almost my birthday, so I can give in to it tonight. I just want to say thank you to all the folks in my life (those who read this and those who don’t). I am damn lucky to know such incredible people. When I look around, I see crazy beauty and passionate commitment and so much laughter. It’s a good reminder to breathe and live it up, all purty like.

I love y’all.